I have a million and one things to do. I need to do laundry. I need to clean and organize my home. I need to vacuum. I have a giant pile of paperwork on the kitchen table. I have a report to finish for my job. And those are all things I would do before I do the one thing I really DON'T want to do but MUST do - deal with finances. It's all so overwhelming. And I'm so tired. I can't seem to find the drive and the energy I used to have. Sometimes I wonder, did I just use it all up? Did it burn brightly for so many years and then just die? Or would a clearer sense of purpose reignite it? I never feel good anymore. I can function, but I don't feel GOOD. I'm so tired - so worn out. My head always hurts. All I want to do is sleep.
I have two voices of conscience. One tells me, "Why fight it? You've been fighting for so long. You made it to where you wanted to be, then circumstance knocked you down. Seems like you'd learn nothing you do really matters, so just check out. Go back to bed. Just do what you have to do to get through the day, then forget it. You'll never get out of this place, so why bother to try?" It is a soft, sweet, seductive voice. A voice giving me the easy way out. A voice telling me it's OK to give in, to give up, to lay down and quit fighting.
Then there is the other voice of conscience. I think it may be Nana. She says, "Suck it up and quit whining. Do you think you're the only person bad things happen to? Do you think it's OK to just give up? Do you think it was easy for your parents? Did they give up? No. They know you can do this. I know you can do this. Bruce knows you can do this - he's depending on you. You will create your own future, and it begins now. The future you create by giving up and going back to bed will not be pretty. This mess is not going to clean itself, so get up. Get off the computer - not another blog or another game of solitaire. Put a load of laundry in the washer and sit down at the kitchen table to do the report for your job. Then you can work on finances. Get at least 10 pages done. Be in bed by midnight, so you can get up and go to work tomorrow. You'll have clean clothes to wear, and you'll be that much closer to your goal. Your future is bright, can't you see it? Look up, ask God for help, and know he is with you. And I'm watching, so don't let me down."
This voice is not nearly as soft, sweet and seductive as the other one, but her message rings with a clearer truth. I know what I have to do.
Sorry folks, Nana has spoken. Gotta go. I'll let you know how it all came out.
kg
Tough times never last. Tough people do. -Robert Schuller
I wear a silver medallion with the Angel Michael on one side, and the Angel Gabriel on the other. I got this medallion Sunday, October 12, 2008 at the Renaissance Festival in Bonner Springs, KS. I had it struck precisely at 2:47 p.m. My father and I were both born at 2:47 p.m. It is a precious medallion to me.
